Well hello there people, long time no talk! I'm no good at keeping up with these things, but since i don't have much else to do these days i figured i'd pop back on here, as it'd be a great way to express myself and get some thoughts out there. (yeah i know, that was a horrible run-on sentence, but i so don't care. lol)
Anyways, where to start?! Well lets see, I believe I updated you on my being pregnant. Initially it took some getting used to since it was a bit of a shock, but now i couldn't be happier about it and i'm soo excited for the little guy to pop out so we can meet him in october. We found out we're having a boy and he's due october 11th. Most days i'm so ready for him to be here so he can be a part of our life and keep us entertained with all the silly little things he's going to do but at the same time, as ready as i am for him to be here, I also know he has to stay inside a little longer and finish growing. He's now up to two pounds, if you can believe it! I'm 27 weeks along to the day, and so far all has been going well! I have been contemplating the idea of taking one of the classes they offer about babies, or a Lamaze class, or something like that but idk if nathan would be up for it. I'm thinking of all of the classes, the two of us would benefit the most from doing like an infant 101 class, or something to that extent. I thought about the Lamaze classes, but after talking to my mom, i think it would give me waaaay to much information, and i'd be even more freaked out the day of delivery than if i knew just enough info and nothing more. That's how i'm different i guess you could say. I keep telling everybody i'm on a need to know basis, and if i don't need to know something, then please don't tell me b/c my mind will wander and run with that thought until it was kept me awake at night. So that's one of the reason I'm thinking doing a Lamaze class wouldn't be such a good idea for me. Mom says it would help me to know how to breathe and all that, but i figure i could have her teach me what to do and it'd be like a win win...without getting more info than needed. lol! When it comes to the little guy though, i want to know everything i'm able to when he shows up. Nathan's sister got us this book called "What to expect the first year" and i haven't been able to put it down! I love it. It's got so much great information from everything to choosing the right pediatrician for your little guy, to how to change diaper and when he may start talking to everything in between. It's a great reference and i'm so glad she got it for us.....now i just have to finish reading it so nathan can look over it if he so feels inclined. lol! I have baby shower that my sister and mom have worked on putting together this upcoming saturday (the 16th) and i'm super excited about it! I know that nathan is excited too and i'm glad he was ale to work out his schedule so he'll have the day and will be able to be there to see what everybody has gotten us. :)
Here's to catching you up on my whole job status and what's been going down in that universe... :/
I quit my job at express back in may due to stress and shitty management and trying to cope with everything else going on. It was such a relief to be away from it, but after about 2 weeks i started to think i had made the worst decision ever. Ever since then I have had a heck of a time trying to find a new job. I have gone on 4 interviews all of which have ended in nothing. It sucks b/c I keep feeling like nobody wants to take a chance on me because i'm pregnant and I would have to leave in october when i went into labor for a bit, but would be back as soon as possible. No matter what i tell them, I feel like i can't win. It's getting harder now b/c i'm creeping into my last tri-mester and that means my odds of finding a job are pretty slim. Knowing that is hard b/c i feel like I shouldn't be spending money b/c i don't have, but at the same time i don't want nathan to have to do everything when we go out. I've started paying for dinner or lunch more frequently when we go out b/c i don't want him to feel like he has to provide everything. It's just hard b/c i'm so torn b/w what i want to do and what should i do. I feel like if nathan pays for everything everytime we go out that i'm a burden to him, and i don't want him to think that, b/c i'm certainly not trying to be one at all, yet at the same time, i feel like if i spend money on my card i'm going to hear about how my bill was a little more than it was last time from my mom (since she's paying for it right now b/c i have no money at the moment.) It's just hard on me sometimes b/c i know nathan wants us to have a place, but it's hard b/c without an income on my end, it's put that on hold. I feel terrible about this b/c i feel like i'm failing somehow by not being able to find a job. Not to mention Nathan has now started looking into taking on a second job where he used to work on top of his crazy full time hours at lowes. I just hope that if he does decide to take the second job that it doesn't end up wearing him out bc if that happened i would feel especially bad.
I keep thinking how awful i feel b/c at this point that i'm unable to provide for ultimus (that's our nickname for the baby, until we come up with something else) and I can't do all these great things I want to for nathan. I keep thinking about what's going to happen if i can't find a decent job by the end of the year. I'm really trying not to think about the negative things so much, but at the same time i have to, b/c it may end up being a possibility. It just sucks because I have soooooooo many great things i keep thinking i want to do for nathan and things i'd love to buy for ultimus, but the lack of money at the moment has not allowed me to do so.
I think the worst day of it all was on nate's birthday. I had just spent the last of the money i had saved up from my job, a few weeks earlier on gas, and was unable to get him the birthday present i really wanted to. I ended up getting him something else and he said he liked it, but in my head my original idea was going to be great. I could see his reaction and how happy he would have been and i felt really bad that i wasn't able to get it for him. I have a plan that i'm already working on to get it for him for christmas b/c i know he will just love it and i just want to see his reaction when he opens it.
On a much happier and positive note: Things with Nate and I are going so well. I find myself falling more and more in love with him everyday, and I miss him now more than ever when he's not around. I keep hoping the first time that i feel the baby kick he will be around to experience it so that he doesn't feel left out, b/c i really would hate it if he's feeling that way. I know we don't have the most ideal situation, what with me being at home in Huntersville and him being 45 minutes away down in Bessemer City, but we are making it work. I try to get down there as much as can, especially now, b/c i find i sleep better when he's next to me at night, and i'm also loving his company and miss him when he's not around. He's done so much for me and I don't know how lucky i got to find such a great guy. He's so caring and sweet. He knows how to cheer me up when i'm feeling blue. How to push my buttons and drive me crazy, yet still somehow manage to make me fall more in love with him every day. He's a one of a kind guy and I'm proud to say he's mine. I may not always show it and sometimes i might seem like it's an annoyance, but i'm so thankful for everyday we are able to spend together. I couldn't ask for a better guy to be raising a child with. I have no doubt he's going to make a great father and I can't wait until october when we can both start in our new roles as mom and dad. :)
On a different, and slightly more comedic note, I'm finding myself to be more and more scatterbrained as the weeks go by. Normally i'm already clumsy and a bit of a ditz, but these days it's getting so much worse. I have found myself mid sentence talking and completely forgetting what it is that i'm saying, or where i was going with the point i was trying to make. It's kind of funny, but also very annoying at times. Not to mention I am slowly losing my ability to multi-task. I used to be able to carry on conversations, watch tv, and be on the computer at the same time and be fully aware of what was going on in each area, but now it's like impossible. In fact, i just had to leave the theater room where my cousin was watching tv b/c i kept getting distracted and was unable to think clearly to finish writing this blog post. I also have found myself mixing up my words in my sentence order. For example if i was trying to say, "the dog just crossed the road," it would some how come out of my mouth as, "road just crossed the dog." How sad is that?! It's to the point where the person will know what i'm trying to say, but at the same time will have to re-order everything just to understand me. haha!
Oh man I just finished reading over this and adding and taking away from it, and right before i posted it my computer died. I was flipping out b/c i was thinking "oh man, if this crap didn't save, and i have to re-write all of this i'm going to be sooo angry." But thankfully it was all here, so no anger needed.
Were having tacos for dinner tonight, mom left to go to work, and put me and katie in charge. I'm okay with that, with the exception that i can't cook ground beef right now b/c the smell of it makes me want to throw up. I told my dad what the plan for dinner was and then told him he had to cook the ground beef because i couldn't and katie didn't know how to.
Oh, speaking of, my cousin katie has been staying with us for the past week or so, and it has been nice to have her around. Though I do wish lisa was back, b/c i miss her not being here. Lisa and katie are two different people. For example, i can talk to my sister about sex, (not that i do, but if i wanted to it wouldn't be akward), Katie however i wouldn't talk to b/c that would be weird. Not to mention Lisa and katie are on totally different mind sets. Katie is still in the high school mindset and dealing with home drama and friends drama, which is fine, but i miss being able to talk to lisa about relationships and moving in with people and the whole topic of "more adult things." Katie has been fun to have around, but there's only so much we can do. We've played just about every game in the house, she's finished up her "project" and we've even worked on a puzzle. It's been fun, but i'm getting to the point where i'm tired of feeling like i need to entertain her. I want to be able to just sit in my room and tune everybody out for 2 hours and not feel like i'm leaving her sitting there bored out of her mind. That's another reason why i'm hoping lisa will come hom soon. She has been in wilmington since like the 1st or 2nd of july b/c she wanted to spend the 4th with steve. I totally understand her wanting to stay longer b/c she misses him and hasn't been away from him for more than like a week since they basically started going out. She was going to come back this past weekend, but decided to push her stay out until thursday or friday. I really hope she's home thursday but i wouldn't blame her if she didn't come back until friday. As long as she is here for my baby shower on saturday i will be okay. If she stays in wilmington and misses it, i will be very sad.
We are going to go ohio for four or five days near the end of the month to take katie home and go pick up bee at my grandparents house. I'm looking forward to getting away and having something different to do, but at the same time, it's going to suck b/c i'm going to be so far away from nathan and i'm going to miss him like crazy. I already miss him and i just saw him this morning before he left to go to work. Idk, call me weird but i'm ready to start our own daily routine where he's up and gone to work and i'm watching the baby and then have dinner and hugs and kisses for him when he returns home from work. I want to be able to spoil him and get to spend as much time with him as i can......nathan says i'm being clingy, but i don't look at it that way. To me it's more of how i show him i love him, by spending as much time with him as i can and missing him when he's not around. So i say, call it clingy, call it crazy, call it what you will, but i'm going to call it love, b/c, gosh darnit, i love that boy so much! :)
xoxo's
~Sarah
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